'Welcome to my diary! I wrote this a while ago but you can still read it. You know the book 'The Lord of the Rings'? Well, the writer completely missed me out. But, as you will see, I play an important part in the fellowship. This tale is told from my perspective, the way it REALLY happened. Prof. Tolkien just wasn't around when these things were happening so he got it a bit wrong. He made the fellowship sound like noble, brave heroes! No way.'

MONDAY

I am an elf from Lothlorien. But guess what? My mother has sent me to stay with my uncle Elrond at his place in Rivendell! It doesn't compare to Lothlorien in the least. But I like his house. It's pretty big and I like the carved wooden, well, everything. Hee hee! Anyway, I asked him what I could do in Rivendell. He looked at me and told me to go do some sewing. As if! So I went off to sharpen my fighting knives on a rock. Then this hunting party came out. I asked where they were going. To fight orcs they said. I asked to come too. They said no! Stuff them. Bleurgghh!

LATER THAT DAY

I follwed them. Hah! I was sooo cool. I went to my room and strung my bow and slung my quiver of arrows on my back and slipped out. They were faffing around in this clearing, looking for orcs. Then this crowd of orcs jumped from behind a bush and started attacking them. They thought they had killed them all. BUT I SAW THAT SLY ONE SNEAKING AWAY. I should win a prize for good eye sight. Anyway, I shot the orc. Ha! So then the other dumb elves found me. Some of them examined my bow. They were pretty impressed when I told them it was a prezzie from Galadriel. Ha ha! Some suckers will believe ANYTHING.

TUESDAY

I was woken up nice and early by the sound of far-off elvish singing. Very nice. I found my spy glass under my leather belt and peered through the trees out my bedroom window. Caught site of these cute blonde haired elves running through the undergrowth. Cool.

AFTER BREAKFAST

I asked Elrond who these mystery elves were between my goblet of nectar and plate of lembas at breakfast. Apparently they are friends of Legolas, travelling to meet him from Mirkwood. I asked why they were bothering to come to Rivendell from Mirkwood since Legolas lives in Mirkwood not Rivendell. Elrond has told me that Legolas is coming to Rivendell to! I hope he introduces me to his friends.

THAT EVENING

Huh. Turns out that cute elves are about 500 years older than me and consider me to be too immature for them! Excuse me? I am like the best girl at fighting in Lothlorien! I'll show those saps tomorrow - there is this big archery contest taking place.

WEDNESDAY

I am so upset. The archery contest has been canceled. It turns out that all the cute elves are here to chaperone Legolas at this top secret council meeting. When I requested an invitation, I was told to go away. I pointed out that Legolas was allowed so why wasn't I? I was told that he is representing Mirkwood at the meeting. HELLO? AM I THE ONLY ELF HERE FROM LOTHLORIEN OR WHAT?
When I asked to be let in so I could represent Lothlorien, I was told it was a male only meeting. EXCUSE ME? IS THIS SEXISM OR WHAT? I stomped off to have a right go at Legolas and I caught him STARING AT A PICTURE OF MY BEST FRIEND Gawiel with this sloppy look on his face. Ha! I started sniggering with laughter. Legolas got a tad bit shirty and told me to shut up or he'd kill me.
I asked him how he would kill me. He didn't reply. So I went, "If you kill me then I'll tell your friends you have the hots for Gawiel." That shut him up. He obviously is a pretty boy with no brains - or he would have relised that I wouldn't be able to tell anyone anything if I was dead. Dumb or what?
Then he said if I told a soul about Gawiel then he would tell everyone the truth. I was like, "The truth? What truth?" AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID? "I'll tell everyone that you're here because you are a social reject from Lothlorien because you don't have blonde hair." I had to restrain myself from punching him. The freak! My hair is a cool colour - kinda autumn leaf red mixed with tree bark brown. Huh. Stupid blonde Legolas. Hate all blondes. I think I'll sit in a tree and evesdrop on their meeting. That'll show 'em all - the evil-minded, sexist idiots.

AFTER THE MEETING

Coo. It turns out that the meeting was for discussing what they were going to do with this ring that this lickle titch called Frodo has. Apparently he is well over 30. He looks about 8.
Anyway, aparently he has the One Ring forged by the Dark Lord and if Sauron (this dark lord guy) gets it back he will enslave the whole world. Wow. If only I could have the kind of power. So Elrond said that someone had to destroy the ring in this volcano called Mount Doom. Cool.
Anyway, this little guy Frodo said he would take it. And loads of other people said they would go. The other people are: Frodo's other little friends who are shorter and younger than him (ha ha) called Merry, Pippin and Sam; Boromir, this man from Gondor; Aragorn, the smelly guy who is rightful King of Gondor (oh dear); this dumb dwarf called Gimli (gay name - just like him I bet); Gandalf, this old wizard (he'll die as soon as they reach the mountains)and guess who......Legolas!
Now if Legolas goes that nothing, I repeat NOTHING, is gonna stop me going. I am NOT going to suffer the humiliation of allowing that pea brained nerd to go save the world with out taking me too. As Pippin said, they need intelligence on this sort of mission, quest, thing. Count me in - if I don't have brains I don't know who does.

SATURDAY

Wow. I've been so busy I haven't had time to write in my diary! I've been planning and scheming. I am going to join the fellowship. HA! I know there is no point in asking Elrond. He may be my uncle, but I think he's a sexist idiot. Can't see how the rest of Rivendell can cope with him the whole time! I am really glad to be going, even if it means possible danger of being killed by evil dark creatures/angry cousin Legolas.
Anyway, now I am going to pack. I am travelling light. Here are some of the things I'm taking:
Pillow, blankets, thistle collection, "1002 Funny Stories" by Irin Ktoplee, "How To Kill Without Blood Spills" written by my brother, bark rubbing collection, small hammer, shampoo, portable foot spa, instant-soup packets and my jewelry box. Hope it fits in my pack.

ONE HOUR LATER

Blast! Why doesn't it all fit in? Why? I can't believe it. I am going ot have to leave my thistle collection, pillow, foot spa and hammer. Am completely distraught.

QUITE A BIT LATER

The fellowship have left. Legolas just can't resist a chance to show off and was dressed in this skirt with knee high boots outfit. Nearly died of laughter as suspect the ensemble belongs to his sister. Ha ha! Anyway, I think I should leave now. I just have to creep out quietly...

10 MINUTES AFTER LEAVING

No! Have left my bow and quiver of arrows! I am so dumb. Must rush back to get them or I will totally be killed by orcs.

AFTER 10 MINUTES OF LEAVING AGAIN

NO!!!!! Have left behind my favourite hair piece! Must go back.

AFTER 10 MINUTES OF LEAVING FOR THE THIRD TIME

Ok. I am cool. I will. Not. Panic. I have all my things and must not panic. Must catch up with the others.

AFTER AN HOUR

I have been running through the trees for ages and still cannot see the fellowship! Where the hell are they??? Hate stupid ring. Hate dumb annoying fellowship. Wait a minute...yes! The end of this forest! Ohhh a mountain..

A BIT LATER

I hate myself. I think I will strangle myself with my hairpiece. I looked up at this fat mountain and there was this rocky bit sticking out under it. And what did I see standing on this rocky bit? Well, a few people. Some of them were pretty titch. One of them had a pointy hat and a stick. And one had a quiver of arrows and a bow and a skirt and knee high boots... So I quickly whipped out my spy glass, peered through...and there was the fellowship, faffing round of this piece of rock!
I HAVE BEEN GOING THE WRONG WAY FOR OVER AN HOUR. Hate myself. Oh well. I have no choice but to turn round, and head back. Hopefully I will catch up with the fellowship before they come to Mount Doom.

SUNDAY

Huh. Sunday is supposed to be a day of REST. I was up half of last night running through the undergrowth to try and catch up with the fellowship. However, because all of them except Legolas are pathetic mortals they get tired and have to sleep at night. Not me! I can keep going. I am powerful. And strong. Hahhaaahaa!
Well, what I really need now if a hairwash and bath. That would be nice. I am REALLY regretting leaving that portable foot spa behind now! Doh!

AN HOUR LATER

Woo hoo! Have caught sight of fellowship again! I hope it doesn't take me too long to reach them. If I just run a bit faster....ahhhhhhhhh!

LATER

Owwwww! Ouchhhhhh! I fell over. On this stupid tree stump. I have this cut on my hand now. It's kinda painfull. It's got loads of mud in it too! Eurghh! Never mind. Maybe if I leave it it will heal by itself. Wish I had not left behind little hammer. Then I could injure the tree in return! Muhahahaha! I have such an evil mind.

ALOT LATER

Yes! YES! I have basically caught up with the fellowship! Jeez, they walk slowly. Anyway, now I have to plan how to drop in on them. Hmmm. Must observe them first then form plan in brilliant mind.

10 MINUTES LATER

Good. They've stopped for a break. Right. Now, let me just peer at them over this rock. Hmm. Lemme see. Aragorn is just lying back on this other rock trying to get a sun tan. When I make myself known I'll tell him he needs to expose some skin to do this. Hmm.
Legolas, trying to look cool, standing alert on a rock, staring into the distance. The hobbits, 2 sitting around chatting and eating, the other 2 having a playful sword fight with Boromir. Little freaks. They can't sword fight to save their lives! And Boromir aint too good himself. I thought he was supposed to be one of the best warriors in Gondor? Gimli, complaining to Gandalf, saying he wants to go through the mines of Moria! Yes! I love Moria (I will explain about that later)! Gandalf just goes, "I would only go that way if I was let with no other choice!". Boring old geezer.

SOME TIME LATER

Ow. My head hurts. I fell of the rock onto Aragorn. He started making a massive fuss but come on. I weigh basically nothing! Little wimp. Anyway, everyone started running around making a noise. I just checked to see whether I had snapped any of my arrows. Gandalf just came up too me and started lecturing me. Boring of stuff bag. Hmm. Might graffiti his stick while he is asleep. Legolas stormedup and said, "What are you doing here? Go away!". Little wimp. I was just like, "Chill it cousin. You won't regret me coming." And you know what? All the little hobbits, who so far had said nothing, just stared at me with RESPECT.
So Gandalf was having this massive go at me, saying I couldn't be part of the fellowship. I asked why. He looked stumped for a while, then replied that 10 was an unlucky number! In who's world, may I ask? Little Gandalf World I presume. I told him that, and then, while he was sitting there looking appalled I niftily changed the subject.
"What kind of gay name is 'the fellowship of the ring' anyway? Can't we change it to something else... like 'the society of elves and lesser life forms for the destruction of the one ring and evil creatures such as orcs'." The hobbits nodded in agreement. You can't blame them, their brains are obviously the same size as the rest of them. Tiny. They didn't understand that I had just insulted them. But Boromir refused. Actually, everyone refused. Stuff them.

MONDAY

Whew! Busy day today. Everyone seems to have forgotten about the fact that I have joined in the fellowship as we are walking along dangerous mountain covered with 15 ft deep snow and deep ravines. Oh well. I wanted to know why we were going this really dumb way. Well it turns out that it has this thing to do with this thing that happened yesterday... I was listening to Gandalf get stressy and then I walked up to Legolas and go "Look, there's a wierd cloud of black stuff...heading our way!" And then Legolas was like, "Look everyone a cloud that I just spotted!". Little freak. Typical of him to steal the limelight. It turned out that it was a cloud of spy crow things from Saruman, an equally gay, annoying, old wizard as Gandalf. Bleurghh.
So now we have to go up the mountain so we don't pass too near to Isengard (Saruman's evil lickle home). Oh well. I guess a can build one of my famous snowelves. Maybe I'll build one like Legolas and then smash it to bits......haha!

LATER ON THE MOUNTAIN

The dumb hobbits are complaining cos they think it's too cold. I showed Merry this way of rubbing your elbows against your toes so that your whole body starts circulating blood more efficiently. He tried it. Boromir wanted me to teach him too but hastily backed out of the offer when I told him he needed to take off his shoes. It's only snow for goodness sake! I mean, I wear the flimsiest boots ever and the hobbits have no shoes at all!
Hppmh. We are still in the snow. I am now teaching Merry how to run over the snow without falling in it. Pippin came over too so he could receive my knowledge. Aragorn looked interested until Legolas coughed which caught Gandalf's attention. So then he came over and started telling me to stop faffing around. He really has something against me. Sexist I bet. Most old men are.

SOME TIME LATER

Still on the blasted mountain! It's really boring up here and my eye sight is going haywire with only Legolas and white snow to stare at (everyone else is half submerged in the snow, despite my efforts to teach them otherwise). This is sooooooo boring.

TUESDAY

Oh dearie me. Me and Legolas were skipping around on the mountain (the others were wading through the snow) when this icy snow storm hit us really hard! Don't get me wrong - I wasn't scared! But I don't really enjoy icicles growing from my pointy earlobes and snowflakes wizzing up my nostrils.
Merry asked me why I was constantly scratching my ears with my clothes brush. I pointed out the icicles. He said he thought they were earrings. How cute.

LATER

Oh no. I can barely walk forward. I mean, me! I'm an elf. The hobbits just can't go on. I mean to say, I am so much more capable and less-vulnerable than them yet no one complains about them being here and slowly down the whole fellowship! Although they are really nice...especially Merry. Now, come to think of it....where is Merry?

QUITE A BIT LATER

Oh no! Merry was missing. I deserve a medal for spotting it. I told Legolas and so he pretended to everyone else that he had noticed. So we had to go back so we could look for Merry. Actually, I think everyone, accept Gandalf and Aragorn, was quite happy to turn around. For a start, it meant we could actually move because we weren't moving against a force 9 gale.
Anyway, we headed back to look for Merry. I was really scared we would find him perfectly preserved in a ice cube. Boromir told me that he wouldn't have been in an ice cube yet because they take a long time to form. This was not really much comfort. I found Pippin blubbering away in the snow. He told me about all the good times he had had together with Merry. I found myself getting quite emotional.

A LITTLE WHILE LATER

Yes! We found him! Apparently, while we were walking along, this boulder thing rolled down the mountain and hit Merry and he was knocked out. Then, when he came out of his blackout, the boulder was holding him down because it was ontop of his cloak. I was really glad to find him though. Did not tell him that though. Could not risk the embarassment of being called a hobbit fancier. Which, of course, I am not. Back up the mountain again. Bleurgghg.

FRIDAY

Well, it sure has been a while since you heard a peep from the highly talented elf called Legelia. Me. Ha ha. Anyway, ALOT HAS HAPPENED. Of course, we just couldn't go on up that dumb mountain. Not becay=use the wind was blowing too hard. Although it was and I don't mind admitting it. Gandalf kinda went a bit embarrassed and he admitted he kinda had a bad relationship with this other wizard Saruman. So I went all kind and sympathetic and started my famous "It doesn't matter whether you are gay or straight, the dwarves are so desperate they'll love you anyway" speech when Gandalf got a bit huffy and said he didn't mean that sort of relationship.
I was going to carry on anyway but Gimli was fingering his axe in this menacing way so I shut up. Not that I'm frightened of him or anything! I just don't want to mix up bad feelings in the fellowship. So anyway, when I had shut up, Gandalf started to explain about the fact that Saruman had turned traitor and now hated Gandalf and all nice people and now chilled out with creepy guys like Sauron and Orcs. So hey guess what, Saruman was weaving up this spell to kill us. Pretty much.
So then half the mountain started coming down on us! No joke. All this snow and well, more snow. Like this avalanche. I managed to get safely out of this snow drift I was in although Legolas was not so lucky. He was complaining for hours after that his bottom had frozen and was starting the feel numb due to frostbite and snow down his skirt. Why didn't he just be sensible and pratical like me and wear trousers???? Dumb idiot. Luckily I kicked his backside hard a few times to get some of the feeling back into it. Then he was very kind and made me warm up after chasing me down the mountain aiming at me with his bow and arrows. Although he didn't actually fire any. He's scared of being hated by Gawiel. I mean, she is my best friend and won't be too happy if I get killed...

LATER

So, you wanna know what happened after being chased down the mountain? Well Legolas gave up so we headed back to the others. We held this little debate/meeting/massive arguement between Gandalf, Boromir and Gimli. Boromir wanted to go near Isengard. Too near Saruman the wimp. Gimli wanted to go through the mines of Moria. Cool! In the end Gandalf decided that Frodo should choose. Gimli did a little scene behind Gandalf's back so only Frodo and me could see, of going past Isengard and Frodo getting hacked into pieces with his axe. Frodo chose to go through the mines. GREAT!

AFTER ALL THIS HAS HAPPENED

So guess what? I am right now sitting outside the entrance to the mines! I am soooo exited! I keep on dancing around telling everyone about the time I went on this school trip there with all these other elves. It was really boring until me and Gawiel sneaked off by ourselves. We kind of took this diversion and ended up by this bridge thing. It was so cool! It had this sign saying "Top Security Dwarves Only" but we broke it down and climbed over it. We met this cool little balrog guy. Well he was pretty big actually. And he was like a fire demon! He was great fun.
We played Truth Or Dare. The balrog did a truth and admitted to having sent Elrond an anonymous valentine's day card!! Ha ha ha! And Gawiel did this dare to flash to the balrog and she did. Yeah, it was so funny!
Anyway, the only people who were interested in this story where Merry (who is interested by everything I say), Gimli (everyone except me hates Moria so I have really risen in his list of nice people) and Legolas (so he could listen to stories of Gawiel no doubt).

LATER

OK, I have calmed down quite a bit now. Now I am cold. Sam, the wimp, got all teary when he had to say goodbye to Bill, the horse. I was just like "SHUT UP! IT'S A HORSE!". Give that hobbit anything with more than 1 leg and he can't keep his hands off it.

AN HOUR LATER

Ohhhhhhh! The gate to Moria suddenly lit up because the moon came out! I immdediatley ran to go and investigate. Gandalf shoved me out of the way and started mucking around, telling us about the door to pretend he knew what he was doing when he was trying to remember the password to open this damn thing. So I went,really coldly, "Ok. But can you just open the door?" So he shut up and tried to open it. But hey. He's forgotten the password.

SATURDAY

Am ALMOST to shocked to talk or write. But not quite. Well, we were all waiting around for ageeeeeeesssssss while Gandalf tried (unsuccessfully) to remember the password and open the Gates of Moria and we were getting soooo bored. Merry and Pippin were chucking stones into the lake thing. Wierdos.
I got out my manicure set and was about to start on some serious beauty treatment when the little guy Frodo says "What does it say round the top of the gates? Speak friend and enter? What's the word for friend?" and so Gandalf, looking down his nose at Frodo, and said in this bored kinda way "Mellon". AND THE GATES OPENED!
Was quite impressed by titchy hobbit. Thought size of brain would match size of himself. Obviously wrong. So in we tramped. It was really creepy and dark and I wasn't that happy to be perfectly honest....But then, this massive creature, octopus thing came out of the lake and wound its slimy tentacle around Frodo's leg! So I was like, "Noooo Frodo!" Legolas ran outside and plunged into the water, to try and hack the monster to death. Brave. But stupid.
Then Aragorn and Boromir joined him! I was too scared to move. But when I saw the little hobbits preparing to help rescue Frodo I felt really wimpy so I strode outside and cut of a tentacle of this monster. As cool as you please. Thank you very much.
But then, when the monster decided to drop Frodo, we ran inside and the monster tried to follow! Also, it knocked down half the ceiling of the mines so we were in total darkness. I started to have heart failure as well as a seizure/fit. Then Gandalf stuck this glowing crystal globe on his stick so we could all see. Thank goodness. We walked on a bit and there were all these manky skeletons! The dwarves really have let their house-keeping skills slip since I last paid a visit.
Then Gimli started crying and I realised they were dwarves. No one seemed to care. Except for Gimli and me. I was like "Err how? That's kinda sad I guess!" And like I said before, Gimli just started crying. I hope the balrog is still alive! He was such a dude! Anyway, apparently it is a long journey to the other side - it will take a couple of days. Bleerugh.

TUESDAY

This is sooo tedious. We have come quite far actually through the mines - so far. Now we are just stuck around waiting for Gandalf to remember the right way! THE IDIOT! We are just gonna be left here to die (well, in my case, turn ugly and un-clean) because the twit Gandalf can't remember the way. And he thinks I'm stupid and featherbrained! Wake up to the real world, old man, before it's too late and you die. Ha ha ha.
So yeah, we are just perched uncomfortably on this slabs of rock, waiting around. Hmmm. Frodo started all this pathetic gabble about how he wished that Gollum dead. When I asked who Gollum was, I was told he was this slimy, evil creature who had the ring before Frodo's cousin, Bilbo, who gave the ring to Frodo. Errr. Hope we don't meet him. Can't stand anyone less clean than myself. Huh. That counts just about the whole fellowship except for me but never mind. I guess I have grown used to the smell.

AN HOUR LATER

We are still waiting around. This is soo boring. I wish Gandalf just remembered the way so we could moove on! Ahhh! Frodo just screamed because he saw something in the dark. I've being seeing things in the dark since I was a little tot. Freak. Anyway, Gandalf siad in this dead mysterious voice, "It's Gollum. He wants the ring Frodo." Talk about saying things for effect. Evil old freak. Still no sign of the balrog. Could do with a bit of flame in these freezing cold mines.

WEDNESDAY

Finally! I have been freezing my butt off for the last 4 hours because I can't sleep. Pippin, the little idiot, gave me the biggest shock when he chucked this stone in this well. I mean. just how thick can you get??? Anyway, suprise suprise, Gandalf got up and started yelling at him. Poor Pippin. So after that I really couldn't get to sleep again. If you haven't been following, the whole fellowship is waiting for Gandalf to remember the right way - and I think he has just remembered...

LATER

Yes! He remembered the right way! So off we go again. He said he knew the way because it smelt better. Please! Wierdo. Although I do sometimes judge things with my nose. Like the time I had to choose a shampoo and I chose the "Mudd Creativity" bottle because it has this fresh, earthy smell with a hint of strawberries...yum....
SO ANYWAY we are going down this murky passage way which I am sure is not the way to the balrog. I miss that guy. If I don't see him, then this whole holiday will have been a total waste.

FRIDAY

It's so sad! We were tracking through Moria when we came to these big double doors. Gimli rushed through them and started crying. The thought that rushed to my mind was obviously "wimpy freak" but that changed into "poor little guy" when I realised he was standing by the tomb of his cuz! Yeuchh! So yeah, he was pretty upset I can tell you! Gandalf was SO unsympathetic. Instead of comforting Gimli like everyone else he just started reading this book that this skeleton was clutching. Frodo spoke my mind by saying, "Errr Gandalf is this the time..." but trailed off. He doesn't always have to be nice to Gandalf, can't he see that? Anyway.
So then Gandalf started to read outloud because he obviously wanted to get a bit of attention instead of Gimli. Selfish old man. So anyway, the hobbits and Legolas were stupid enough to fall for the trick. I was suprised they didn't all go sit in a circle around Gandalf for nursery story-time. Anyway, Gandalf proceeded reading, "The end comes...drums, drums in the deep. They are coming." Grrrh! He is sooo irratating! I just rolled my eyes and whistled a tune that I composed with Gawiel called, "The Deadly Arrow With The Hairpiece". Gandalf looked at me with this look that just said "I hate you because you do not find me impressive". Stupid freak I REJECT HIM.
Uh oh. I am sitting here while Gandalf is studying the book of Moria. I hear muffled shouting. Legolas has just jumped up and shouted "ORCS!" So much for stealthiness. Frodo just pulled this sword out and nearly fainted when he saw it was blue. So what? Who cares if his sword is blue? Anyway, I have a feeling that I might be needed. I'll tell you about it all later!

ALOT LATER ON

Oh my goodness! So much has happened I can't believe it. So I'll pick up from where I left off. Legolas thought it would be clever to try and block the gate with these ancient spears which were obviously gonna break the second any orc crashed into them. Oh well. I let him do his own little thing to make him happy. So there we were, standing by the door with our bows drawn with an arrow notched to our bow strings. Aragorn and Boromir had their sowrds drawn. The hobbits were standing well back, timidly holding their swords completely wrong. Ha ha.
Where was Gandalf? I couldn't quite see but I recon he was probably hiding. Well behind the hobbits. WIMP!!!!!! Times 10000000! Anway, I didn't have much time to think about this because suddenyl all these orcs just ran in screaming! I fought so well. I shot a dozen with my arrows and then killed loads more with my hunting knives. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine! Ha ha. Legolas was v. impressive (or so he thought) when he jumped onto the back of this cave troll (that the orcs somehow managed to find) and shot its head! Wierdo. It sure didn't kill it. Frodo nearly got killed by the cave troll. Started crying and groaning before he realised he wasn't dead and sure wasn't going to die because he was wearing a special dwarg coat of chain mail that can no way be broken. Wierdo.
But then, after we had finally killed every orc and the cave troll (impressive or what?) we had to run off because GANDALF thought more orcs would follow us. We got to this BIG hall of stone and then guess what. A whole load of orcs crawled down from the ceiling and started to attack us WHEN this light started moving down the hall....wierd. Anyway, all the orcs ran away when they saw this. Wimps. BUT THEN GANDALF GOES, "No! A balrog! Run to the brriiiiiiiiiiiidgggggggeeeeeee!" so off we all run to this bridge, me right at the front when I finally work it out...."The balrog????" So obviously I stopped.
There was no mistaking him alright. But he had grown sooooo much!!!! So I was just about to head back to have a little chat when Boromir grabbed me round the middle and ran off with the others. I tried to stab him with my knive but I missed. Drat! I tried to explain to Boromir that I had centuries of socialising to catch up with an old friend but he ignored me. I wonder why. He's not deaf. Or maybe he is.
But anyway, soon we got to the bridge and Boromir finally put me down. I kicked him where it hurt. He nearly fell into the chasm. HA HA HA! Then we all started running across this bridge. Gandalf almost threw me over. Then the balrog came. He reconised me off course. He tried to get over the bridge to say hello. He gave this cheery wave and almost killed Aragorn with his toy flame whip thing he loves carrying around. I waved back and was about to walk out to meet him when that FREAK Gandalf shouted "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" and hit the bridge with his stick. Half the bridge crumbled to nothing (careless idiot) and THE BALROG FELL INTO THE CHASM!! No!!!!! But he did not die in shame. Oh no. He threw up his whip just as Gandalf was heading back to us (with a smug smile all over his face)and his whip coiled around Gandalf's foot and pulled him down into the chasm with the balrog! YES! The evil old Gandalf is dead. I know that sounds mean, but it was well time he came to an end, I mean he's really old so its not that bad! BUT THE BALROG! I hate Gandalf. Am glad he died in chasm.
Well after that little escapade, we all ran off. Some more orcs had come back and started shooting us. I fired an arrow at one and it hit him straight in the forehead! Ha ha ha! Honestly though. You would think the orcs would be on good terms with us in the very least. I mean, one of us has just killed the balrog who they were all afriaid of. You just can't trust anyone these days can you?
Finally, we reached this path that lead straight out of the caves! I can't see how the dwarves can bear living under the ground - outside you have wind, fresh air, the smell of honeysuckle and fir trees and running water. Beautiful! Anyway, everyone was basically crying. I went up to Pippin and go, "So why are you crying then?" I mean, he wasn't a friend of the balrog was he???? Apparently he was crying about Gandalf. I am amazed. Why would anyone be upset about Gandalf??? Wierd.

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Well, we have to move on. Aragorn says were we are now will be swarming with orcs when the sun goes down. Admit myself that orcs are not nice, although am amazing warrior female elf. So off we go. I asked where we are going. And do you know what Aragorn said???? LOTHLORIEN! YES YES YES! Finally, I will be going somewhere that I know loads about and will be more fimiliar with than anyone. We will enter Lothlorien and I will be the one doing the talking, walking around being important. Cannot wait. Especially looking forward to seeing best friend Gawiel.

Friday

Whoa! I haven't written in my diary for ages. I will explain. I got to Lothlorien right, which was totally great! Suddenly everyone considers me to be the most important member of the fellowship because I know the most about Lothlorien and because I live here. Of course, Gandalf and Legolas pretended by be totally un-interested but I could tell they were just hanging onto the edge of words when I was telling everyone about the time me and Gawiel were captured totally by suprise by some orcs but we managed to escape because Gawiel pretended to be in love with the orc captain. For goodness sake, its like the most pathetic escape plan in the book but obviously all males have only ONE THING ON THEIR MINDS.
Anyway everyone found this fascinating. Especially Legolas actually. He pretended to look bored but he sat closer to me when the wind started howling so he could hear what I was saying. Maybe he's hatching a plan of capturing Gawiel so she will pretend to be in love with him too. As he fancies her totally. So anyway, finally we actually arrived in Lothlorien and it was great to see everyone!
Gawiel was really pleased to see me and was well impressed by my advendtures. She asked me whether I was going to stay in Lothlorien or go with the fellowship. I had to think about that one. I mean, what do I want to do??? I'll think about that one later. Anyway, the main reason for me not being able to write in my diary is that Gawiel stole it. She found out all about Legolas's crush on her. She's decided that she's going with the fellowship because it will be a laugh and she wants to see how quickly she can get Legolas to attempt to declare his love for her. I'm getting quite worried - maybe she fancies him too! I mean, HE'S MY COUSIN!
Then Gawiel read the whole Merry-lost-in-the-mountain inciddent and said that I obviously fancied Merry and had to come with her to Mount Doom so I could chat him up. I went really red. I do not fancy Merry! He is a hobbit and is about half my size. And hey, what about the age difference? OK, I may look like I'm in my teens but I'm actually hundreds of years old. Anyway, I have no choice now. I guess I'll have to tag along. At least Legolas won't complain as long as Gawiel comes too. Well, I need my beauty sleep. I'm going for a 10 km run tomorrow with Gawiel. Time for sleeepppp!

SATURDAY

Wow! I sprained my ankle during the run! THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME! Now, I don't have to go on with the annoying fellowship. Admittedly, it has been quite fun so far, but the death of the balrog has emotionally scarred me for life. Plus, I'm in Lothlorien. This is SO where I belong, it is my home. AND I AM STAYING HERE.

THE END.